Leo David

A lot has happened since my last post: another Mother's Day passed, Isabella ended her first year of preschool, Clint and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary, an eventful Father's Day came and went, Isabella turned three, Clint turned 29, Isabella started another school year, Heather turned 28, and Heather became a stay-at-home mom again. Then, there was the most significant event of all, within a few short months we said both hello and goodbye to our second child, our sweet little Leo David.

I've really struggled with finding a way to address this appropriately, or if I would even address it in such a public way.  Ultimately, the story is far too important not to share it. The experience has changed my life in a profound way; it is part of my story.  October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and today is a special day of remembrance.  Today seems like the right time to open up about loving and losing Leo. 

I've decided to share the most basic parts of Leo's story.  Maybe someday I will share a bit more, but for right now I'd like to keep those precious details to myself.  For now, here is the short version of Leo's brief, but treasured life:

We had talked previously about trying for a second child twice before, but ultimately put it off because the timing didn't feel right. This spring everything seemed to click and we got pregnant right away.  On Father's Day we found out that Isabella was going to be a big sister around February 28, 2013 and we were absolutely thrilled.  I was positive that we would have a little boy this time. 

From the the first positive pregnancy test something felt off to me.  I just couldn't seem to shake the feeling that something was going to wrong.  Six weeks in we had a bit of a scare and at 7 weeks I had my first ultrasound.  Everything looked good, the heartbeat was strong, and the baby measured a couple days ahead. 

My first prenatal appointment was in early August and once again everything checked out fine.  My doctor suggested I limit my activity because of some issues I was having. We ran a couple tests to check for complications and didn't see a cause for concern.  I basically laid on the couch and did nothing for the rest of my pregnancy because I still had the sinking feeling that something was wrong.

We had another scare at 13 weeks followed by another ultrasound.  The second ultrasound showed non-stop movement and a good, strong heartbeat.  The baby measured a full week ahead at this point. Soon after I started to feel movement and I saw my doctor for a regular appointment the next week. The little acrobat wouldn't stop moving long enough to find the heartbeat with a doppler so I had yet another ultrasound that showed a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat.

The following week I started to feel more and more like something wasn't right, but didn't really have the symptoms to back it up.  Thursday evening I thought I felt my water break so I headed to the ER.  Luckily, my OB was on-call and had me come up to labor and delivery where he confirmed that my water had broken.  We suspected that my water had broken due to some type of infection so I was admitted and started on antibiotics and fluids with the hope that I would be able to retain enough fluid to support the baby and that the leak would seal back up.

I was in the hospital for four days with regular ultrasounds and use of the doppler.  I continued to lose fluid until finally there was no longer enough fluid for our baby to develop.  I labored for several hours on Monday.  Leo David was born too soon on September 10, 2012 at 3:06pm.

By the time I delivered the placenta had started to break down.  Leo was delivered in perfect condition, looking just as a healthy baby of his stage should.  After the birth I had a D&C to remove the remaining tissue and prevent complications.  We held our son for one far too brief moment and were able to go home to Isabella later that evening.

The pathology reports confirmed an infection in the placenta, although I never had a fever or any other obvious symptoms of infection.  Tests confirmed that Leo was perfect and healthy. 

The days since have been tough.  I barely ate, drank, or slept at first and I felt like all I did was cry.  I honestly wondered if I would have even gotten out of bed if it hadn't been for Isabella.  I continue to get better emotionally, but I still have my bad days.  I don't expect those to ever really end, maybe just fewer and farther between.  I don't believe that one can ever fully recover from the loss of a child, no matter how old that child is when the loss occurs.  It will always hurt; I will always have the regrets, the doubts, and the what ifs.  Loss is part of my daily life now and I am learning to cope with it because I have to.  I am the mother of two children, one in my arms and one in my heart. 

It is particularly difficult to hear about or see pregnant women and babies right now.  It's not that they don't deserve their happiness, but it reminds me of what I've lost and the joy I should be experiencing right now.  I know several people due around the same time I was and that is hard, although it seems like everyone was thoughtful enough to have conceived a girl.   :)

I visit Leo often and make sure he has fresh flowers.  I'm reaching out for support when I need it and finding comfort in the kindness of friends.  I am finding ways to remember Leo and honor his memory.  I am doing what I can to keep busy and trying to be the best person I can be in all aspects of my life. 

Despite all the pain, I am lucky to be Leo's mom.  I am grateful for every single moment I had with him.  The day he was born was simultaneously the worst, and one of the best days of my life.  The memory of him brings a smile to my face, tears to my eyes, and an abundance of love fills my heart.