Christmas 2012

This was the first year Isabella really understood holiday traditions.  She was so excited for Christmas morning that she asked to go to bed at 5pm Christmas Eve! We kept her up a little longer and she stayed in bed until 7am.  I was almost positive she'd come running in to wake us up around 4am.  She also shouted out, "I hear jingles! I hear Santa!" before bed. 

Every Christmas Eve we each open a new ornament and new pajamas to wear to bed that night.  I try to choose something for Isabella that commemorates an event or showcases and interest of hers from that year.  If the ornament doesn't already have the year on it somewhere then I write it on the bottom or the back so we can keep track.  My plan is to give her all of these ornaments when she is grown so that she will already have a collection for her own tree. I will buy an ornament for Leo each year as well.  I try not to by too many ornaments that don't have some sort of sentimental meaning, instead I fill in the gaps with more plain bulbs.  Isabella already likes asking me about each ornament, where they're from and what they mean. 

 Isabella's 2012 ornament to commemorate her first theater movie

Leo's ornament

Daddy's ornament.

 Mama's ornament

 Leaving cookies for Santa

Showing off her new pajamas by the tree

Santa came!

 Opening a gift from her great aunt Kris

Presents from Grandpa Harvey

Isabella was very pleased with her gifts.  She loves her LeapPad2, new bike, and princess castle.  She wore her new Cinderella dress all day.  Daddy had a blast playing with his RC helicopter.  Mama is seriously geeked about her new bedding. Nothing says old lady like asking for new bedding for Christmas! Of course, new bedding means we're finally going to be decorating the master bedroom and that is long overdue.  Clint has some new projects coming up, if only I could get him to finish the ones on his current list.  

Lessons from Leo: One

Sometimes you can't "move on."  Sometimes it is ok to simply move forward.

Gingerbread houses

On Sunday we took Isabella to Purdue Memorial Union to see the big Christmas tree and gingerbread house. She LOVED the gingerbread house.  We had to come back to it more than once.  She also loved exploring the Union.  She said she wants to go to school there when she's big. :) Of course, all my photos are blurry. 

 

She was obsessed with the gingerbread dog and cat.

People kept walking in front of my camera while I was trying to take this one.  As if there were no space behind me.

We made our own gingerbread house when we got home.

3 Months

Just Because
Just Because time has passed
doesn't mean that all is fine.
My sadness, and my grief
Hasn’t diminished with time.

Just Because I am smiling
doesn't mean that I'm not down.
I cry for my little baby
when no one is around.

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart;
You start squirming in your chair.

Everyone avoids me now,
because they don't know what to say
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me
say the words that I need to say
Why does a mother's grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?

You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that cheek,
and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's all right if you do to.

I swear that I'll remember
till the day I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand
and let me bare my soul.

-unknown

Today marks 3 months since we said goodbye to our little Leo.  I found this poem soon after we lost him and it has always stuck out in my mind.  I am doing ok, and definitely much better than I was 3 month ago.  Just because I act "normal" it doesn't mean I've stopped missing him or that I don't still get down.  Grief is a life-long process. I will always miss him, I will always wish he were here with us. I miss him every second and I still tear up often, and that's ok.