Small Acts of Kindness for Leo

I haven't posted in a long time, I know.  I have a lot to catch up on.  I wanted to start with where I'm at in the healing process.  I'm at a point where there are more good days than bad.  I still have hard days, I still miss Leo immensely (maybe even more each day) and think of him constantly.  I still am not ok with what happened.  That said, I think I've reached a place of acceptance that he's not coming back no matter how hard I wish we could and there is nothing I can do to change what happened.  This has been a long hard rode hard and I know it's not over.  There will be bumps in the road, there will be moments where I'm angry at the world or sobbing uncontrollably, there will be days when it's hard to get out of bed.  And you know what? That's ok.  Grief ebs and flows and it is something I have come to accept as part of my life.  I know that makes many uncomfortable and many want the grieving to end and everything to go back to normal, but that normal is gone.  This is the new normal.

Leo's birthday is coming up next month.  It's going to be hard. It's going to be intense.  It's going to hurt.  What I'm striving to do is recognize the pain, but focus on the joy he brought to our lives. We were so happy to be expecting our second child, Isabella was excited to become a big sister, I was thrilled to be pregnant again, and we were so looking forward to meeting the little guy.  Things didn't work out like we had planned, but were are still extremely grateful to have him as part of our family.

I would like to honor Leo as his birthday approaches, and I'm hoping you all will hope.  Now through September 10, 2013 we hope that you will participate in Small Acts of Kindness for Leo.  These small acts of kindness can be anything really, volunteer with the organization of your choice, help an elderly neighbor with household chores, or donate to charity in Leo's honor.  Anything really.  Then, let us know what you've done to honor Leo in whatever means you feel comfortable- comments, email, text, etc.  You can remain anonymous if you like.  Sometimes it just really helps to know that others remember Leo along with us.

Leo David

A lot has happened since my last post: another Mother's Day passed, Isabella ended her first year of preschool, Clint and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary, an eventful Father's Day came and went, Isabella turned three, Clint turned 29, Isabella started another school year, Heather turned 28, and Heather became a stay-at-home mom again. Then, there was the most significant event of all, within a few short months we said both hello and goodbye to our second child, our sweet little Leo David.

I've really struggled with finding a way to address this appropriately, or if I would even address it in such a public way.  Ultimately, the story is far too important not to share it. The experience has changed my life in a profound way; it is part of my story.  October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and today is a special day of remembrance.  Today seems like the right time to open up about loving and losing Leo. 

I've decided to share the most basic parts of Leo's story.  Maybe someday I will share a bit more, but for right now I'd like to keep those precious details to myself.  For now, here is the short version of Leo's brief, but treasured life:

We had talked previously about trying for a second child twice before, but ultimately put it off because the timing didn't feel right. This spring everything seemed to click and we got pregnant right away.  On Father's Day we found out that Isabella was going to be a big sister around February 28, 2013 and we were absolutely thrilled.  I was positive that we would have a little boy this time. 

From the the first positive pregnancy test something felt off to me.  I just couldn't seem to shake the feeling that something was going to wrong.  Six weeks in we had a bit of a scare and at 7 weeks I had my first ultrasound.  Everything looked good, the heartbeat was strong, and the baby measured a couple days ahead. 

My first prenatal appointment was in early August and once again everything checked out fine.  My doctor suggested I limit my activity because of some issues I was having. We ran a couple tests to check for complications and didn't see a cause for concern.  I basically laid on the couch and did nothing for the rest of my pregnancy because I still had the sinking feeling that something was wrong.

We had another scare at 13 weeks followed by another ultrasound.  The second ultrasound showed non-stop movement and a good, strong heartbeat.  The baby measured a full week ahead at this point. Soon after I started to feel movement and I saw my doctor for a regular appointment the next week. The little acrobat wouldn't stop moving long enough to find the heartbeat with a doppler so I had yet another ultrasound that showed a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat.

The following week I started to feel more and more like something wasn't right, but didn't really have the symptoms to back it up.  Thursday evening I thought I felt my water break so I headed to the ER.  Luckily, my OB was on-call and had me come up to labor and delivery where he confirmed that my water had broken.  We suspected that my water had broken due to some type of infection so I was admitted and started on antibiotics and fluids with the hope that I would be able to retain enough fluid to support the baby and that the leak would seal back up.

I was in the hospital for four days with regular ultrasounds and use of the doppler.  I continued to lose fluid until finally there was no longer enough fluid for our baby to develop.  I labored for several hours on Monday.  Leo David was born too soon on September 10, 2012 at 3:06pm.

By the time I delivered the placenta had started to break down.  Leo was delivered in perfect condition, looking just as a healthy baby of his stage should.  After the birth I had a D&C to remove the remaining tissue and prevent complications.  We held our son for one far too brief moment and were able to go home to Isabella later that evening.

The pathology reports confirmed an infection in the placenta, although I never had a fever or any other obvious symptoms of infection.  Tests confirmed that Leo was perfect and healthy. 

The days since have been tough.  I barely ate, drank, or slept at first and I felt like all I did was cry.  I honestly wondered if I would have even gotten out of bed if it hadn't been for Isabella.  I continue to get better emotionally, but I still have my bad days.  I don't expect those to ever really end, maybe just fewer and farther between.  I don't believe that one can ever fully recover from the loss of a child, no matter how old that child is when the loss occurs.  It will always hurt; I will always have the regrets, the doubts, and the what ifs.  Loss is part of my daily life now and I am learning to cope with it because I have to.  I am the mother of two children, one in my arms and one in my heart. 

It is particularly difficult to hear about or see pregnant women and babies right now.  It's not that they don't deserve their happiness, but it reminds me of what I've lost and the joy I should be experiencing right now.  I know several people due around the same time I was and that is hard, although it seems like everyone was thoughtful enough to have conceived a girl.   :)

I visit Leo often and make sure he has fresh flowers.  I'm reaching out for support when I need it and finding comfort in the kindness of friends.  I am finding ways to remember Leo and honor his memory.  I am doing what I can to keep busy and trying to be the best person I can be in all aspects of my life. 

Despite all the pain, I am lucky to be Leo's mom.  I am grateful for every single moment I had with him.  The day he was born was simultaneously the worst, and one of the best days of my life.  The memory of him brings a smile to my face, tears to my eyes, and an abundance of love fills my heart.   

23 Months

Isabella is 23 months old!  It's hard to believe that we'll soon be celebrating her second birthday.  Speaking of which, it's down to crunch time for the part preparation: invitations will go out this week, I've purchases supplies for some projects I have planned, we're working on prepping the backyard, and I have all the details planned out.  I hope it all comes together the way I've pictured it.

Back to the girl,

Age: 23 months
Weight: We'll find out next month
Length: Again, we'll find out at her appointment next month

Size:24m-2T, starting to wear size 5 shoes
Hair:Still long and still red

Teeth: Those molars still haven't popped through
Sleeping: Usually 11-12 hours at night with her nap averaging 2 hours

Eating: She now eats chicken! And green beans!  It's a miracle.

Movement: She is a crazy little monkey.

Milestones: First pedicure, courtesy of Mama.

Favorite toys/activities: Still obsessed with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, enjoys art activities, loves playing outside and in her pool, loves playing with cars

Dislikes: Being told no, coming inside after playing, being carried instead of walking herself

Words/sounds:  Every morning when she gets us she says, "Daddy go bye-bye.  Daddy work.  Daddy go in car." She continues to amaze us with new words and phrases.


She apparently needed to accessorize before bed.

At Columbian Park on July 4th.

She wouldn't look at me.

Showing off her patriotic attire.

22 Months Old

 Isabella is 22 months old!  I can't believe her birthday is only two months away!  Mama needs to start her party projects.  Over the weekend I went to price some things out and get some DIY ideas.  I'll be ordering my first party purchases this week.

This post with be photo heavy, but I can't guarantee great quality.  I take what I can get with a 22-month old!

Age: 22 months
Weight: Just under 24lb.
Length: No clue, but she seems taller.

Size:  The 24m clothes that were a little big now fit perfectly; let's hope her feet catch up soon because her size 5 shoes are still too big. 
Hair: Past the shoulders.  She prefers a bow rather than pigtails.

Teeth: Still no molars. 
Sleeping: Sleep has been a little disrupted, but the pediatrician ruled out medical causes.  It could be teething, nightmares, or random toddler behavior. 

Eating:  Hit or miss.  Veggies are almost always refused, as is meat.  I let her have a popsicle last night and she stopped and said, "mmm, good"  at every taste.  She loves milk now and asks for it every morning.

Movement:  One of her favorite things is sitting on my bed while I get ready, and then trying to run, roll, and jump like a maniac.  

Milestones: First trip to the Indy Zoo, first time baking cookies with Mama, first parade

Favorite toys/activities: Eating at her little table, playing ball, being outside, playing in the pool, still obsessed with Mickey Mouse, helping cook, clean and fold laundry (at least she thinks she's helping).  She's getting into more pretend play.

Dislikes: Rain because it means she can't go outside.  She also doesn't like anything "yucky," such as messy hands, bits of paper on the floor, finding yesterday's water cup, etc.

Words/sounds: Speaking in more sentences.  She's also been saying "my mama" and "my daddy."  "Hi my mama!"


Baking peanut butter cookies with Mama.

I love it when she makes this makes this face!  She giggles and covers her mouth.

First ponytail!  Notice the necklaces.  This little fashionista loves her accessories.

 The sharks at the Indy Zoo.  She really wanted to pet, but couldn't reach.  Quite frankly Mama was a little scared she'd be a little over-zealous and lose a finger. 

She loved the penguins.  

At the Columbian Park Zoo; not the same day, but coincidentally the same outfit.  Her "cheese" face does not allow for open eyes, apparently. 

Checking out the goats, that is when she wasn't chasing the chickens are around saying, "bok, bok!"

We always stop to check out the tortoise statue.

My baby bird.

Two pictures with Mama in them?  How can this be?!

Excuse the crazy hair and lack of clothing; this Kodak moment could not be missed.  She was holding one of Audrey's ears and saying, "yee haw!"  Thank goodness Audrey was cooperative.

She saw Daddy vacuuming and had to help.

21 Months

It's hard to believe that my baby will be TWO in three short months.

Helping Mama organize some paperwork.

The community egg hunt didn't go over so well...

 So we came home and had our own in the front yard.

Look at all those eggs!

Checking out the eggs.

The Easter bunny left a surprise.

Silly bunny!

Age: 21 months
Weight: around 24lbs

Length: unsure
Size: 24m/2T.  4 or 4.5 shoes.  The size 5 shoes I bought her for the summer are still to big to wear.  She was tiny feet like Mama.
Hair: Long.  We're letting her bangs grow so if you don't pull them back somehow she looks like a sheepdog.  She's learned to ask for a bow in the morning and if it falls out she brings it back to me so I can fix it.

Teeth: Still working on those molars. I can fell a couple beneath the surface.
Sleeping: She's been a little restless during the night this week, but doesn't require any help falling back to sleep.  She's also waking a bit earlier than usual.  These are pretty common occurrences when she's teething.  She's still napping 2-3 hours most days.

Eating: She's really loving fruit right now.  Won't go near anything chocolate and wouldn't even taste ice cream when it was offered.  More chocolate for Mama and more ice cream for Daddy.  

Movement:  Likes dancing, spinning, and running in circles around furniture.

Milestones: Can count to ten!  She sometimes skips or jumbles numbers, but when she gets it right Mama is so proud.  Sometimes speaking in full sentences! First Easter egg hunt.

Favorite toys/activities:  Stickers, bubbles, playing outdoors, wearing Mama's shoes, her flashcards, letters and numbers, sidewalk chalk, and playing in the sand.  She's also really into kicking right now.  Future soccer player?

Dislikes: Having her hair washed, getting out of bed before she's ready, coming in from playing outside, having messy hands, and (sometimes) having her diaper changed.

Words/sounds: She's saying please more often.  "Peas, Mama!"  She started saying "I Love You."  Mama's heart melts.  She's saying new words all the time, so we've lost count.  I would say there are at least 100 at this point. 

20 Months Old

This is what happens when you pull out the camera

Cheese!

Age: 20 months
Weight: Not sure

Length: Not sure, but Clint and I agree that she seems taller all of a sudden.
Size: Again, not sure.
Hair:  Getting longer still.

Teeth: 16.  I think she might be working on her two-year molars.
Sleeping: She sleeps pretty well most nights.

Eating: Still loves bananas.  I've made her cut back a lot on cheese.  Variety is definitely key in getting her to eat well.

Movement: She's climbing more and more.  She's trying to jump, but winds up just bouncing most of the time.

Milestones: We've been letting her walk a bit in stores rather than always carrying her or making her ride in the cart.  She has to hold our hands of course.  She also started sleeping with a pillow.  I thought it might help 

"anchor" her so she isn't all over the place.  It seems to have helped a bit, but she still wiggles quite a bit.

Favorite toys/activities:  Loves her new foam letters for the bath.  She also found some plastic dinosaurs that my nephew, Jaden, used to play with and she thinks they're pretty cool.  She loves playing outside and pretending to talk on the phone.

Dislikes:  Coming in from playing outside, getting out of the bath, and having her hair washed.

Words/sounds:  I've completely lost track.  We hear new words everyday.

Car Seat Safety

You may or may not know that I'm pretty anal about car seat safety. I wiggle Isabella's car seat regularly to make sure it is secure and doesn't move more than an inch in any direction, I re-adjust the straps every time I buckle her in, and I always ensure that the chest clip is at armpit level.  I don't use additional car seat accessories and she never wears her bulky coat in the car seat.  She has also always been rear-facing and will remain so as long as her car seat allows (35 lbs and until her head is within an inch from the top of her seat). 

Children are proven to be safer when rear-facing.  Even adults would be safer rear-facing, but it's obviously not an option for us. The AAP recently revised it's recommendations on car seats to the following:

"The AAP advises parents to keep their toddlers in rear-facing car seats until age 2, or until they reach the maximum height and weight for their seat. It also advises that most children will need to ride in a belt-positioning booster seat until they have reached 4 feet 9 inches tall and are between 8 and 12 years of age."

I found a great, albeit sad, video on Youtube that demonstrates the difference in impact on rear-facing vs forward-facing seats.  I encourage all parents to watch it before switching their child to a forward-facing seat.



To read the full release from the AAP visit this link.