Small Acts of Kindness for Leo

I haven't posted in a long time, I know.  I have a lot to catch up on.  I wanted to start with where I'm at in the healing process.  I'm at a point where there are more good days than bad.  I still have hard days, I still miss Leo immensely (maybe even more each day) and think of him constantly.  I still am not ok with what happened.  That said, I think I've reached a place of acceptance that he's not coming back no matter how hard I wish we could and there is nothing I can do to change what happened.  This has been a long hard rode hard and I know it's not over.  There will be bumps in the road, there will be moments where I'm angry at the world or sobbing uncontrollably, there will be days when it's hard to get out of bed.  And you know what? That's ok.  Grief ebs and flows and it is something I have come to accept as part of my life.  I know that makes many uncomfortable and many want the grieving to end and everything to go back to normal, but that normal is gone.  This is the new normal.

Leo's birthday is coming up next month.  It's going to be hard. It's going to be intense.  It's going to hurt.  What I'm striving to do is recognize the pain, but focus on the joy he brought to our lives. We were so happy to be expecting our second child, Isabella was excited to become a big sister, I was thrilled to be pregnant again, and we were so looking forward to meeting the little guy.  Things didn't work out like we had planned, but were are still extremely grateful to have him as part of our family.

I would like to honor Leo as his birthday approaches, and I'm hoping you all will hope.  Now through September 10, 2013 we hope that you will participate in Small Acts of Kindness for Leo.  These small acts of kindness can be anything really, volunteer with the organization of your choice, help an elderly neighbor with household chores, or donate to charity in Leo's honor.  Anything really.  Then, let us know what you've done to honor Leo in whatever means you feel comfortable- comments, email, text, etc.  You can remain anonymous if you like.  Sometimes it just really helps to know that others remember Leo along with us.

Catch-up: April and May

APRIL

 Worked on the exterior of the house

 

Watched our Magnolia tree grow

 

Worked inside the house

 

 

Raced some ponies

 

 

Rode a bike

Played with the pup

 

 Made new friends at the mall

 

And the Purdue Vet School

 

 Hammed it up in a box boat

Said hello to an old friend at Columbian Park Zoo

Marched for Babies

MAY

Rode in a ridiculous shopping cart

Fed a giraffe

Celebrated Mother's Day

 

Made progress on the kitchen

 

Matched Daddy

 

Played in a pool

 

Built a fort

 

Ran in a sprinkler

 

 

Bereaved Mother's Day

Today, one week before Mother's Day, is International Bereaved Mother's Day.  This day's purpose is to acknowledge all the forgotten mothers; those of us who hold our children in our heart instead of our arms, and those yearn to have a child, but for reasons beyond their control have not yet experienced that joy.

Don't forget these mothers next week.  Mother's Day is a difficult day for many women; let them know they matter. If you know a woman who has lost a child as any age, or one who struggles with infertility reach out to her.  It can be as simple as a text, and email, or a phone call.  If their child had a name, use it.  Don't be afraid to talk about a lost child because it is often just what the mother needs.  I can't speak for everyone, but even though I miss Leo terribly, I find great joy in his memory and I am truly touched when someone acknowledges him in some way.  Many of us fear that our children will be forgotten.

I don't ask for myself.  Because of our beautiful little Isabella I know that I will always be recognized on Mother's Day, and I have some special people in my life who will always remember that I'm still Leo's mom too.  My heart goes out to all the women who struggle on Mother's Day.  Please remember that they are mothers too.

"Joy and life abound for millions of Mothers on Mother’s Day. It’s also a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no Mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back."
-Erma Bobeck  

 If you'd like to learn more about International Bereaved Mother's Day, parental bereavement, or are a bereaved parent yourself looking for support, consider visiting the links below.

Carly Marie Project Heal


STILL Project

Still Standing Magazine

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

100 Days

100 days from now we will honor our baby boy's memory by participating in the annual March for Babies on April 27, 2013.  The money raised through this event will help fund research that could prevent other families from experiencing such a tremendous loss.  Please consider supporting the March of Dimes either by joining Team Leo David and walking with us, donating to our team's efforts, or through your own efforts.

You can find out more by visiting our team page below, or clicking the banner at the right.  We truly appreciate your time and support.

Team Leo David

March for Babies 2013

As some of you know, I have participated in the local March of Dimes chapter's March for Babies in the past. This year Clint and I decided to organize a team for Leo. If you are interested in donating or joining our team feel free to contact me or visit the link below for more information.

Team Leo David

The walk is still a few months away (April 27, 2013), but I am already so excited to do this for our baby boy.

Leo David

A lot has happened since my last post: another Mother's Day passed, Isabella ended her first year of preschool, Clint and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary, an eventful Father's Day came and went, Isabella turned three, Clint turned 29, Isabella started another school year, Heather turned 28, and Heather became a stay-at-home mom again. Then, there was the most significant event of all, within a few short months we said both hello and goodbye to our second child, our sweet little Leo David.

I've really struggled with finding a way to address this appropriately, or if I would even address it in such a public way.  Ultimately, the story is far too important not to share it. The experience has changed my life in a profound way; it is part of my story.  October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and today is a special day of remembrance.  Today seems like the right time to open up about loving and losing Leo. 

I've decided to share the most basic parts of Leo's story.  Maybe someday I will share a bit more, but for right now I'd like to keep those precious details to myself.  For now, here is the short version of Leo's brief, but treasured life:

We had talked previously about trying for a second child twice before, but ultimately put it off because the timing didn't feel right. This spring everything seemed to click and we got pregnant right away.  On Father's Day we found out that Isabella was going to be a big sister around February 28, 2013 and we were absolutely thrilled.  I was positive that we would have a little boy this time. 

From the the first positive pregnancy test something felt off to me.  I just couldn't seem to shake the feeling that something was going to wrong.  Six weeks in we had a bit of a scare and at 7 weeks I had my first ultrasound.  Everything looked good, the heartbeat was strong, and the baby measured a couple days ahead. 

My first prenatal appointment was in early August and once again everything checked out fine.  My doctor suggested I limit my activity because of some issues I was having. We ran a couple tests to check for complications and didn't see a cause for concern.  I basically laid on the couch and did nothing for the rest of my pregnancy because I still had the sinking feeling that something was wrong.

We had another scare at 13 weeks followed by another ultrasound.  The second ultrasound showed non-stop movement and a good, strong heartbeat.  The baby measured a full week ahead at this point. Soon after I started to feel movement and I saw my doctor for a regular appointment the next week. The little acrobat wouldn't stop moving long enough to find the heartbeat with a doppler so I had yet another ultrasound that showed a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat.

The following week I started to feel more and more like something wasn't right, but didn't really have the symptoms to back it up.  Thursday evening I thought I felt my water break so I headed to the ER.  Luckily, my OB was on-call and had me come up to labor and delivery where he confirmed that my water had broken.  We suspected that my water had broken due to some type of infection so I was admitted and started on antibiotics and fluids with the hope that I would be able to retain enough fluid to support the baby and that the leak would seal back up.

I was in the hospital for four days with regular ultrasounds and use of the doppler.  I continued to lose fluid until finally there was no longer enough fluid for our baby to develop.  I labored for several hours on Monday.  Leo David was born too soon on September 10, 2012 at 3:06pm.

By the time I delivered the placenta had started to break down.  Leo was delivered in perfect condition, looking just as a healthy baby of his stage should.  After the birth I had a D&C to remove the remaining tissue and prevent complications.  We held our son for one far too brief moment and were able to go home to Isabella later that evening.

The pathology reports confirmed an infection in the placenta, although I never had a fever or any other obvious symptoms of infection.  Tests confirmed that Leo was perfect and healthy. 

The days since have been tough.  I barely ate, drank, or slept at first and I felt like all I did was cry.  I honestly wondered if I would have even gotten out of bed if it hadn't been for Isabella.  I continue to get better emotionally, but I still have my bad days.  I don't expect those to ever really end, maybe just fewer and farther between.  I don't believe that one can ever fully recover from the loss of a child, no matter how old that child is when the loss occurs.  It will always hurt; I will always have the regrets, the doubts, and the what ifs.  Loss is part of my daily life now and I am learning to cope with it because I have to.  I am the mother of two children, one in my arms and one in my heart. 

It is particularly difficult to hear about or see pregnant women and babies right now.  It's not that they don't deserve their happiness, but it reminds me of what I've lost and the joy I should be experiencing right now.  I know several people due around the same time I was and that is hard, although it seems like everyone was thoughtful enough to have conceived a girl.   :)

I visit Leo often and make sure he has fresh flowers.  I'm reaching out for support when I need it and finding comfort in the kindness of friends.  I am finding ways to remember Leo and honor his memory.  I am doing what I can to keep busy and trying to be the best person I can be in all aspects of my life. 

Despite all the pain, I am lucky to be Leo's mom.  I am grateful for every single moment I had with him.  The day he was born was simultaneously the worst, and one of the best days of my life.  The memory of him brings a smile to my face, tears to my eyes, and an abundance of love fills my heart.   

March for Babies 2011

Isabella and I participated in the March for Babies last Saturday.  We arrived shortly after 8 am to turn in our donations since we were supposed to meet our team at 8:30 and the walk was to begin at 9.  Well, we had trouble locating our team because many were busy volunteering at the event and others were late.  Although the walk was advertised to start at 9 am they soon announced that it was starting at 9:30.  Isabella got a bit antsy sitting in the stroller, and I didn't want to leave the area since we were waiting for out teammates.  I also didn't want to put her down because there were so many people. 

Eventually, we found our teammates and the walk began.  Isabella did so well on the walk and at one point near the end she started singing.  People started to turn back and wave at her and she got a little shy and stopped for a while.

She only let me get one photo before the walk.  We're still waiting on the team photo to be posted.

A BIG thanks to everyone who sponsored us!  We more than doubled our goal!

March for Babies 2011

Some of you may remember that I signed up to walk in last year's March for Babies.  That day wound up being very drizzly and the possibility of rain scared me out of taking Isabella.  I wound up not walking myself because I was worried that she'd need to nurse and wasn't sure how long the walk would take.  I dropped off my donations and came back home, disappointed.

I've signed up again this year and plan to walk, rain or shine.  I'll be sure to get Isabella a cute raincoats and rainboots just in case. :)

We would really appreciate your support of his wonderful cause.  At the right you'll find a handy tool to make donating easy.  Help us start of on the right foot!