Leo David

A lot has happened since my last post: another Mother's Day passed, Isabella ended her first year of preschool, Clint and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary, an eventful Father's Day came and went, Isabella turned three, Clint turned 29, Isabella started another school year, Heather turned 28, and Heather became a stay-at-home mom again. Then, there was the most significant event of all, within a few short months we said both hello and goodbye to our second child, our sweet little Leo David.

I've really struggled with finding a way to address this appropriately, or if I would even address it in such a public way.  Ultimately, the story is far too important not to share it. The experience has changed my life in a profound way; it is part of my story.  October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and today is a special day of remembrance.  Today seems like the right time to open up about loving and losing Leo. 

I've decided to share the most basic parts of Leo's story.  Maybe someday I will share a bit more, but for right now I'd like to keep those precious details to myself.  For now, here is the short version of Leo's brief, but treasured life:

We had talked previously about trying for a second child twice before, but ultimately put it off because the timing didn't feel right. This spring everything seemed to click and we got pregnant right away.  On Father's Day we found out that Isabella was going to be a big sister around February 28, 2013 and we were absolutely thrilled.  I was positive that we would have a little boy this time. 

From the the first positive pregnancy test something felt off to me.  I just couldn't seem to shake the feeling that something was going to wrong.  Six weeks in we had a bit of a scare and at 7 weeks I had my first ultrasound.  Everything looked good, the heartbeat was strong, and the baby measured a couple days ahead. 

My first prenatal appointment was in early August and once again everything checked out fine.  My doctor suggested I limit my activity because of some issues I was having. We ran a couple tests to check for complications and didn't see a cause for concern.  I basically laid on the couch and did nothing for the rest of my pregnancy because I still had the sinking feeling that something was wrong.

We had another scare at 13 weeks followed by another ultrasound.  The second ultrasound showed non-stop movement and a good, strong heartbeat.  The baby measured a full week ahead at this point. Soon after I started to feel movement and I saw my doctor for a regular appointment the next week. The little acrobat wouldn't stop moving long enough to find the heartbeat with a doppler so I had yet another ultrasound that showed a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat.

The following week I started to feel more and more like something wasn't right, but didn't really have the symptoms to back it up.  Thursday evening I thought I felt my water break so I headed to the ER.  Luckily, my OB was on-call and had me come up to labor and delivery where he confirmed that my water had broken.  We suspected that my water had broken due to some type of infection so I was admitted and started on antibiotics and fluids with the hope that I would be able to retain enough fluid to support the baby and that the leak would seal back up.

I was in the hospital for four days with regular ultrasounds and use of the doppler.  I continued to lose fluid until finally there was no longer enough fluid for our baby to develop.  I labored for several hours on Monday.  Leo David was born too soon on September 10, 2012 at 3:06pm.

By the time I delivered the placenta had started to break down.  Leo was delivered in perfect condition, looking just as a healthy baby of his stage should.  After the birth I had a D&C to remove the remaining tissue and prevent complications.  We held our son for one far too brief moment and were able to go home to Isabella later that evening.

The pathology reports confirmed an infection in the placenta, although I never had a fever or any other obvious symptoms of infection.  Tests confirmed that Leo was perfect and healthy. 

The days since have been tough.  I barely ate, drank, or slept at first and I felt like all I did was cry.  I honestly wondered if I would have even gotten out of bed if it hadn't been for Isabella.  I continue to get better emotionally, but I still have my bad days.  I don't expect those to ever really end, maybe just fewer and farther between.  I don't believe that one can ever fully recover from the loss of a child, no matter how old that child is when the loss occurs.  It will always hurt; I will always have the regrets, the doubts, and the what ifs.  Loss is part of my daily life now and I am learning to cope with it because I have to.  I am the mother of two children, one in my arms and one in my heart. 

It is particularly difficult to hear about or see pregnant women and babies right now.  It's not that they don't deserve their happiness, but it reminds me of what I've lost and the joy I should be experiencing right now.  I know several people due around the same time I was and that is hard, although it seems like everyone was thoughtful enough to have conceived a girl.   :)

I visit Leo often and make sure he has fresh flowers.  I'm reaching out for support when I need it and finding comfort in the kindness of friends.  I am finding ways to remember Leo and honor his memory.  I am doing what I can to keep busy and trying to be the best person I can be in all aspects of my life. 

Despite all the pain, I am lucky to be Leo's mom.  I am grateful for every single moment I had with him.  The day he was born was simultaneously the worst, and one of the best days of my life.  The memory of him brings a smile to my face, tears to my eyes, and an abundance of love fills my heart.   

No, I didn't forget Menu Monday there's a reason I haven't posted.  I was sick for most of last week so I didn't really cook and everything from last week has been pushed back to this week.

Isabella was very sweet and helpful while I was sick and she was rewarded with a fun weekend.  We bought her a tee-ball set and Daddy taught her how to hit.  She also attended her cousin Griffin's first birthday party (She went went on about it for days beforehand) and we set up her pool for the first time this year on Sunday.

More Pinspirations

We took on a couple small, Pinterest-inspired  projects this weekend.  Well, mostly Clint since I wasn't feeling well.  Boo.

First up, we have dress-up storage, made from an old dresser and a curtain tension rod.  I've been wanting to do this for a while, but was worried we wouldn't have room for it.  Well, the dresser has been sitting in the garage for a few months waiting to be donated, so I thought we'd go for it.  We went ahead and put it in her closet since she's so proficient at opening doors now. 

Inspiration found here.

I looked for pretty contact paper to line the sides and the bottom, but couldn't find any.  I think I might try some fabric instead. 

 

Isabella was very excited to put her dress-up items in here.  Now we just need to buy more.

Inspiration found here.

We also painted the ugly brass hardware on all our interior doors.  I've always wanted to replace them, but cost really adds up with all of the doors and I've always found better uses for the money.  I have no idea if these will hold up well, but it only took one can of primer and one can of oil rubbed bronze spray paint, so I figured it was worth a shot.  We had already painted the brass light fixtures to hold us over until we could replace them all.  That's the thing about being a homeowner, even when there isn't anything that NEEDS replaced, you can always find something you WANT to replace. 

Menu Monday: Apri 30, 2012

Nothing exciting this week.  You might notice some repeats from last week because we shifted things around a bit.

Sunday- parm crusted chicken breast, mac & cheese, green beans

Monday- leftovers (Clint's last apprenticeship class... EVER!)

Tuesday- meatloaf, mashed potatoes, peas

Wednesday- baked fish, broccoli, rice

Thursday- grilled chicken, corn, red potatoes

Friday- dinner out or pizza

Saturday- chicken enchiladas, rice

Mason Jar Salads

Are you on Pinterest yet?  If not, you should be. I cannot tell you how many hours I've wasted on this website in the past year or so.  I've found some really great recipes, craft ideas, home decor/beauty/fashion inspirations, and some really great products.

For the past few weeks I've been making mason jar salads for Clint's lunch after seeing the idea on Pinterest.  I was intrigued by the idea since it said you could make up an entire week's worth of salads without them getting soggy.  Clint said he liked the idea too so I got a few salad ideas from some friends. This lettuce-hating girl doesn't know know much about making a good salad. He's happy because I fill them with lots of veggies and such so he doesn't feel like he's just eating lettuce and dressing.  He also gets a nice variety since they are individually packaged. 

I use wide mouthed, pint sized mason jars. You can find them at any grocery store, superstore, or kitchen supply store.  I paid around $10 for 12 at Meijer. 

First, add your dressing to the bottom of the jar.  I've been using store bought dressings because I'm lazy.  Maybe I'll try making my own as these run out. 

Next, add your veggies.  I add the "sturdiest" veggie to the bottom (usually carrots or red onion) since they'll be sitting in dressing for a few days.  I top the veggies off with the most delicate veggies.  Basically, you don't want anything that might get soggy touching the dressing.  Could you imagine mushrooms after sitting in dressing for five days? Talk about mush!

Next comes your protein.  I've included chicken, hard boiled eggs, turkey pepperoni, and black beans as protein so far.

Finally, you add the lettuce.  I'm using iceberg this week at Clint's request.

If you like, you can sprinkle a bit of cheese on top at this point.  I also put individual servings of toppings in small containers for him.  These babies will get soggy if you add them in advance.

I need to get some reusable labels for the jars, but for now I've been putting a small Post-it on each labeling the salad and telling him which topping to add.

He's happy because I load them up with lots of veggies and I've really enjoyed making them on Sunday evenings.  I plan on planting some salad fixings in the garden this year, so we'll save some money by using fresh, homegrown veggies and lettuce. Win!

Below I've listed the ingredients (in order) for each of the five salads I made this week.

Garden Salad

-Light French dressing

-julienne carrots

-red onion

-red bell pepper

-broccoli florets

-baby bella mushrooms

-hard boiled egg

-iceberg lettuce

+croutons

Buffalo Chicken Salad

(This one looks weak, ha!)

-Light Buffalo dressing

-red onion

-red bell pepper

-grilled chicken strips

-iceberg lettuce

-blue cheese crumbles

Asian Sesame Chicken Salad

-Light Asian sesame dressing

-julienne carrots

-red onion

-broccoli florets

-grilled chicken strips

-iceberg lettuce

+chow mein noodles

Pizza Salad

-Light sun dried tomato vinaigrette

-red onion

-red pepper

-baby bella mushrooms

-sliced black olives

-diced turkey pepperoni

-iceberg lettuce

-shredded Italain cheese blend

+croutons

Southwest Salad

-Semi-homemade dressing (salsa + sour cream)

-red onion

-red pepper

-corn

-black beans

-iceberg lettuce

+crispy tortilla strips

Here's the blog I used for inspiration.

Menu Monday

I'm trying to blog more regularly, so hear goes...

Sunday: Grilled tilapia and asparagus, risotto

Monday: Mac & cheese, California blend

Tuesday: Spaghetti with meat sauce, garlic bread, salad

Wednesday: Leftovers

Thursday: Marinated grilled chicken, green beans, roasted red potatoes

Friday: Dinner out

Saturday: Chicken enchiladas, rice

My new thing is to add fish to our menu once a week.  I'm not a fish eater, but Clint is and I'd like Isabella to develop a taste for it.

What are you having this week?

Isabella's "New" Room

Ok, so it's the same old room with a new look. :)

A couple months ago we ditched the crib and purchased new furniture for Isabella's room.  We knew we were nearing that time, but when I caught her stuck with one leg half-way over the crib rail I knew we couldn't wait.

We ordered a twin sleigh bed, mattress (duh!), and a new dresser with mirror.  Although she cried that at that first nap in the "big girl bed," she has loved it ever since.  I had fun redecorating, but man was it hard to change the room.  That was the room we brought her home to after she was born!  I'll admit I was a bit jittery seeing the crib and changing table out by the curb for pick-up too.  I kind of wanted to save them for sentimental value!  We knew we (ahem, I) would want new furniture if we have another child, so there was no reason to keep it.  Plus, it was a drop-side, and even with the rail secured it made me a wee bit nervous.  Unfortunately, we couldn't even donate it because it's now illegal to sell or donate drop-side cribs. 

Her bedding the Circo Blossom collection from Target, in Aqua/Coral.  I painted the canvases above her bed for her.  We made add for baskets to the wall for storage.  This girl has A LOT of stuffed animals!

I ordered her growth chart from Amazon.  It's by Oopsy Daisy.  Too bad she won't let us use it to actually measure her.  Maybe if I bribe her with marshmallows...

The dresser area.

 

The back wall.  I've got to find longer curtains!

 

 I love these Etsy prints!  I had the hardest time deciding which ones to order.  I'm pretty happy with with the end result though.

I got the idea for the hair accessory storage from Pinterest.  I need to find a knob or something a bit more decorative to hang it from though.

The wall color is Valspar's "Sparkle."  How perfect is that color name for a little girl's room?  The photos don't really show the color accurately, but it's a pretty aqua blue.  We'll probably add a couple more decorative touches, like a rug, but Isabella really likes her new room!